Looking Forward by Looking Back

/

If the past isn’t the way you thought it was, then the present isn’t, either. Letting go of that present may make it easier to conceive of a new future. Things look different from the neutral zone, for one of the things you let of in the ending process is the need to see the past in a particular way, and in doing that you let go of the need to think of the future in the way you always have.

William Bridges, Transitions

A Franciscan Blessing

/

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression,
and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for
justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer
from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may
reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that
you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able,
with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you
and remain with you, this day and forevermore.

AMEN.

Fists pounding the hard earth in agony

/

Looking through the shadowy foliage of Gethsemane, we don't see the classic portrait of Christ, rendered by the artist. We don't see Him in a snow-white robe kneeling beside a big rock, hands peacefully folded, with a look of serenity in His face as a spotlight from heaven illuminates His golden-brown hair. Instead, we see a man flat on his face, fists pounding the hard earth in agony. We see a fact stained with tears and dirt, hair matted with sweat, facial muscles contorted in  pain like the gnarled, twisted olive trees looking on. God was never more human than at this hour. Have you been in the dark garden of Gethsemane? Betrayed by  a friend? Deserted by those around you?  Felt abandoned? Lonely? The next time you think no one cares, pay a visit to Gethsemane and see the man of sorrows. Because seeing God like this does wonders for your suffering. 

Charles Swindoll, For Those Who Hurt  

so that I may participate in it fully

/

I do not serve God only in the brief moments during which I am taking part in a religious service, or reading the Bible, or saying my prayers, or talking about him in some book I am writing, or discussing the meaning of life with a patient or a friend. 

I serve him quite as much when I am giving a patient an injection, or lancing an abscess, or writing a prescription, or giving a piece of good advice. Or again, I serve him quite as much when I am reading the newspaper, traveling, laughing at a joke, or soldering a joint in an electric wire. I serve him by taking an interest in everything, because he is interested in everything, because he has created everything and has put me in his creation so that I may participate in it fully. 

“It is a great mistake,” wrote Archbishop William Temple, “to suppose that God is interested only, or even primarily in religion.”

Paul Tournier, The Adventure of Living

What’s really on people’s minds

/

Too often spouses, and also parents with their children, reduce conversations to logistics such as what to have for dinner, whose turn it is to do the laundry, or when to leave for soccer practice. Friends might run down their latest accomplishments and activities. What often gets left out is what is really on people’s minds — their joys, struggles, hopes and fears. Sometimes people keep conversation light with friends and family because they assume they already know what’s going on, but also, they may be afraid of what they might learn.

But what is love if not a willingness to listen to and be a part of another person’s evolving story? 

It turns out the best way for us to really understand those closest to us is to spend time with them, put down our phones and actually listen to what they have to say.

Kate Murphy, writing in the New York Times, author of You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters

I know exactly what you mean

/

We think it’s helpful to say, ‘I know exactly what you mean, I went through something similar…’ but that’s you talking about your own feelings, rather than allowing your friend to tell you what it’s like for them. When a person wants to express their pain, your experiences aren’t relevant to them. A similar, common mistake is to leap to offer advice before being asked. Giving advice is not listening, and often it’s not helpful. It shuts people down. If you feel a responsibility to fix your friend’s problems, relinquish it.

Moya Sarner writing in The Guardian

The Self-esteem Secret

/

You can either let your self-esteem ride on the answer to questions like:

Do people think I am smart?  
Am I shaped like a model?  
Do I look weak and foolish? 

Or you can let your self-esteem be based on the knowledge that you are of value because you are made in God's image and that he has set his affection on you.

You've made quite a journey already, struggling to keep going and learning to rest in that knowledge. Won’t it be enjoyable to march down that path, head held high and a big smile on your face? It’s there, not because you are ignoring your trouble, but because you know the secret.

 
Stephen Goforth

Take a deep breath

/

A famous classical musician slipped on jeans and a baseball cap. He then took his million-dollar Stradivarius violin into the Washington, DC metro and played for passengers. They were not impressed because he didn't look the part of a professional. He wasn’t wearing concert attire or playing in a concert hall. 

A mother brought her toddler into the emergency room of a hospital for three straight days. But doctors dismissed her symptoms because of her mother’s behavior. On the third visit, the girl died.

In their book Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior, Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman say these are examples of premature labeling. 

Before you determine the inherent worth of someone or something, take a deep breath and make sure your first impression isn’t keeping you from seeing what's actually going on. 


Stephen Goforth

Questions and Answers

/

Albert Einstein once said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning.”  A friend who heard this wrote to me asking, “Why?  Why?  Why?????????”

I think Einstein was assuming there were answers to be found—as opposed to people (some of them I bumped into while studying philosophy) who dare not find any answers because it’s the "search" for truth/answers/reasons that appealed to them. Finding answers would require an identity shift from aggressive critic to defender of a viewpoint and that’s not as much fun. It’s like the search for romantic love—fun to chase but boring or frustrating to find it and try to live with it.

Our choices show whether we are asking questions because we want answers or whether we draw pleasure from shouting question marks and hearing empty echoes in response. 

Stephen Goforth

tell me a story

/

We naturally avoid ambiguity. We want black and white, right or left, up or down. The greys of life are so distasteful that when a cause is attached to any set of facts, we assume the "facts" are more likely to have really happened.

Nassim Taleb in his book The Black Swain points out that if you ask someone, "How many people are likely to have lung cancer in the U.S.?" you might get a response like "half a million." But if you make one change to the question and ask, "How many people are likely to have lung cancer in the U.S. because of smoking cigarettes" you would get a much higher number. Why is that? Taleb suggests we tend to believe an idea is more likely to be true when a cause is attached to it.

Joey seemed happily married but killed his wife.

Joey seemed happily married but killed his wife to get her inheritance. 

The first is broader and accommodate more possibilities. The second statement is more specific and less likely to be true.  But if you ask people which is more likely, more of them would say the second statement. Why?  The second statement tells us a story.

The narrative misguides us. We want an explanation, a back story. That's why it’s hard for us to look at a series of facts without weaving an explanation into them and tying the factsto the because. We like a good story-even when it misleads us about what is true. That's why you should be careful whenever you come across a because. Connecting causes to particular events must be handled with care.

Stephen Goforth

Together

/

“No man is an island,” John Donne wrote in 1624, as he lay ill with a persistent fever, fearing death. “Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” In the solitude and delirium imposed by his illness, his connection to all others became manifest. Americans have always viewed the communitarian ethos with some ambivalence; our founding ideals are rooted in a rebellion against authority and duty, and reverence for individual liberty. Epidemics, Anne Applebaum recently pointed out in The Atlantic, “have a way of revealing underlying truths about the societies they impact.” This one has caught us in a moment of profound weakness. Faith in science, government, media, and all our institutions has badly eroded, and we are deeply divided politically and culturally, viewing each other as enemy tribes, not countrymen. The coronavirus cares nothing for these distinctions; it is a reminder that our separateness is an illusion. We Americans, and all of humanity, are at war with a common foe. We can only defeat it together.

William Falk writing in The Week magazine

Love and Death

/

Love is a reminder of our own mortality. When a friend or member of our family dies, we are vividly impressed by the fact that life is evanescent and irretrievable. But there is also a deeper sense of its meaningful possibilities and an impetus to risk ourselves in taking the leap. Some -perhaps most - human beings never know deep love until they experience, at someone's death, the preciousness of friendship, devotion, loyalty. Abraham Maslow is profoundly right when he wonders whether we could love passionately if we knew we'd never die

Rollo May, Love and Will