Most Completely Alive

It is when we are in transition that we are most completely alive. I have often asked groups of individuals that I am working with to introduce themselves, one to another, referring only to those things that are not changing in their lives.

The results is a soft murmur of voices talking about where they live and how many children they have and what kind of work they do. After everyone has had a few minutes of that, I ask them to reintroduce themselves to each other, speaking this time only of the things that are changing in their lives.

There is usually a moment of nervous laughter, then a little pause, then there is a wave of talk about the gains and losses that they are experiencing. Before a minute has passed, voices are rising and falling. Intonations are full of energy. There is laughter. Hands are moving in gesture.

Without fail, the second introduction is far more alive than the first—even though it is by what is not changing in our lives that we customarily define ourselves or are defined by the academics who want to describe us in terms of the categories we fall into.

If you asked the people who had done the two introductions, most of them would say that they are tied of things changing all the time and that they wish that their lives would settle down. Yet it is when they talk about all the changes that they are most animated and energized.

Actually, it is not the fact of being in transition that most people mind, but rather that they cannot place their experience of being in transition within any larger, meaningful context.

William Bridges, The Way of Transitions

When worry paralyzes

Worry can literally paralyze us, sapping our energy and strength. People who worry are not merely concerned about their present and future circumstances; they have a mental agenda of the way things must occur. The worrier’s mind is so captivated by what ought or ought not to be, that he can only respond with duress and despair when situations displease him.

Les Carter, Imperative People: Those Who Must Be in Control

The real voyage of discovery

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust 

A poor self-image

A poor self-image is not to be equated with humility or the mark of a servant. -Charles Swindoll

Angry Thoughts

Problems of anger begin as seed thoughts of self-pity, discouragement, jealousy, or some other negative thought. One’s thought life is the key ingredient in behavioral and emotional control; therefore, thoughts prior to and during times of anger are important. Thoughts give emotional feelings prolonged existence and strength, and lend interpretation to vague emotions.

When anger feelings begin, people should “listen” to themselves think. Their minds are constantly making value judgments, decisions, and comparisons. Therefore, there always exists the opportunity to intercept anger by changing these thoughts.

Mark Cosgrove, Counseling for Anger

How a 4-Year-Old Saved His Little Brother From Drowning

#GOODNEWS

What the Bathroom scales can tell you

When our bathroom scale delivers bad news, we hop off and then on again, just to make sure we didn’t misread the display or put too much pressure on one foot. When our scale delivers good news, we smile and head for the shower. By uncritically accepting evidence when it pleases us, and insisting on more when it doesn’t, we subtly tip the scales in our favor. 

Psychologist Dan Gilbert in The New York Times

change and adaptability

Rather than talking about your self-imposed limitations, talk about your openness to change and adaptability.

The sin against life

If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. -Albert Camus (born Nov. 7, 1913)

A coherent life

Philosophy is important because it’s unavoidable if you want to live a coherent life. -Rebecca Goldstein

After man saves girl from drowning, family helps pay for his wedding

#GOODNEWS

How does this information make me feel?

We don’t need to become emotionless processors of numerical information – just noticing our emotions and taking them into account may often be enough to improve our judgment. Rather than requiring superhuman control of our emotions, we need simply to develop good habits. Ask yourself: how does this information make me feel? Do I feel vindicated or smug? Anxious, angry or afraid? Am I in denial, scrambling to find a reason to dismiss the claim?

Before I repeat any statistical claim, I first try to take note of how it makes me feel. It’s not a foolproof method against tricking myself, but it’s a habit that does little harm, and is sometimes a great deal of help. Our emotions are powerful. We can’t make them vanish, and nor should we want to. But we can, and should, try to notice when they are clouding our judgment.

Tim Harford, How to Make the World Add Up

listening

The person who’s listening is usually the one worth listening to.

in a hole

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. – Will Rodgers (born Nov. 4, 1879)

The Backfire effect

Once something is added to your collection of beliefs, you protect it from harm. You do it instinctively and unconsciously when confronted with attitude-inconsistent information. Just as confirmation bias shields you when you actively seek information, the backfire effect defends you when the information seeks you, when it blindsides you. Coming or going, you stick to your beliefs instead of questioning them. When someone tries to correct you, tries to dilute your misconceptions, it backfires and strengthens them instead. Over time, the backfire effect helps make you less skeptical of those things which allow you to continue seeing your beliefs and attitudes as true and proper.

David McRaney  

The clouds

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.  -Leonard Louis Levinson

The Cycle of Bitterness

Bitterness leads to a helpless, hopeless cycle around our distasteful feelings. Like the child first learning to ride a bike, we keep moving without knowing how to stop and not crash. We pedal on and on, afraid to quit, yet wishing desperately for someone to come and break our ring of futility. Only forgiveness can do that. Only forgiveness can disrupt our endlessly dull rotation in the same senseless orbit around a lumpy ball of bitter feelings. 

Stephen Goforth

How to turn a simple disagreement into a feud

1. Maintain a healthy fear of conflict.

2. Be vague and general when you state your concerns.

3. Assume you know all the facts and you are totally right. (Do most of the talking)

4. With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to discuss the matter with anyone but avoid any constructive conversations about it.

5. Latch tenaciously onto whatever evidence suggests the other person is jealous of you.

6. Judge the motivations of the other party based on previous experience, keeping track of failures and angry words.

7. Avoid possible solutions and go for total victory and unconditional surrender.

8. Pass the buck!

Ray Kraybill

(adopted from) Repairing the Breach

Teaching Opportunities

Opportunities present themselves thousands of times while children are growing up when parents can either confront (children) with their tendency to avoid or escape responsibility for their own actions or can reassure them that certain situations are not their fault. But to seize these opportunities… requires of parents sensitivity to their children’s needs and the willingness to take the time and make the often uncomfortable effort to meet these needs. And this in turn requires love and the willingness to assume appropriate responsibility for the enhancement of their children’s growth. 

M Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled