All-or-nothing thinking

I spend days at a time in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of all the things I could be doing but can’t because I know I would do them imperfectly. I lose countless hours to inner monologues filled with self-hatred and all-or-nothing thinking. I don’t read anything, instead preferring to slowly crush myself with the existential weight of knowing that I will never be able to read all the things.

For a very long time, I thought that I did this because I was lazy. I figured that if I just worked a little harder, tried a little more, then I would be able to accomplish the things I set out to do. Failing to do them was a failure of my character. It was because I was a bad person, or at least bad at being a person.

I told myself that I had to get my act together; I had to do all of these things so that I could prove I wasn’t the worthless piece of garbage I thought I was. When I inevitably cracked under that pressure, I took it as proof that I was a worthless piece of garbage.

If all of this sounds repetitive, that’s because it is. It’s a vicious, repetitive, monotonous cycle. It moves at breakneck speed, but also not at all. Experiencing it is the most damning case against perfectionism I have ever come across. Expecting perfection only leaves you with two options: do everything right on the very first try, or don’t even bother. Which is actually only one option, since 9 times out of 10, human beings don't do things right on the first try.

Jenni Berrett writing in Ravishly

Is it Hard for You to Ask for Help?

If you are inclined to avoid requesting help, it’s important to examine any thoughts or beliefs that might be getting in your way. These could include: 

·      Negative associations: you might think that someone is lazy if they can’t do something themselves.

·      Self-criticism: you could think that asking for help means you are incapable or weak.

·      Concerns about how you will be perceived: you might worry that someone will think less favourably of you if you ask for help.

·      Self-sacrificing beliefs: you might worry about burdening someone with your needs.

·      Overestimating the likelihood of rejection: ‘No one is going to want to help me out,’ you might assume – ‘why would they?’

Research suggests that we tend to underestimate the likelihood of someone saying yes to a request for help. Most people feel good when they do helpful things for others, and prefer to think of themselves as generous and willing to help when they can. If you fear that someone will like you less if you ask them for help, consider the opposite possibility: people might actually like you more if they’ve done you a favour. Expressing vulnerability and openness, by acknowledging that you could use help, can lead to deeper connection.

Debbie Sorensen writing in Psyche

The Essence of Nonlove

Keeping one's eye on a four-year-old at the beach, concentrating on an interminable disjointed story told by a six-year-old, teaching an adolescent how to drive, truly listening to the tale of your spouse's day at the office or laundromat, and understanding his or her problems from the inside, attempting to be as consistently patient and bracketing as much as possible--all these are tasks that are often boring, frequently inconvenient and always energy-draining; they mean work. If we were lazier we would not do them at all. If we were less lazy we would do them more often or better. Since love is work, the essence of nonlove is laziness.

M Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled