Listening is
/Listening is not thinking about what you are going to say when the other person has stopped talking. – H Norman Wright
ideas that challenge / comfort / inspire
And how are you mad?
/All of us are crazy in very particular ways. We’re distinctively neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but don’t know quite the details because no one ever encourages us too hard to find them out. An urgent, primary task of any lover is therefore to get a handle on the specific ways in which they are mad. They have to get up to speed on their individual neuroses. They have to grasp where these have come from, what they make them do – and most importantly, what sort of people either provoke or assuage them. A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of these on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities.
The very idea that we might not be too difficult as people should set off alarm bells in any prospective partner. The question is just where the problems will lie: perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us, or we can only relax when we are working, or we’re a bit tricky around intimacy after sex, or we’ve never been so good at explaining what’s going on when we’re worried. It’s these sort of issues that – over decades – create catastrophes and that we therefore need to know about way ahead of time, in order to look out for people who are optimally designed to withstand them. A standard question on any early dinner date should be quite simply: ‘And how are you mad?’
24 Articles about Relationships with AI
/How AI is Powering Modern Love – Axios
AI Relationships Are on the Rise. A Divorce Boom Could Be Next – Wired
Are A.I. Therapy Chatbots Safe to Use? – New York Times
How people really use ChatGPT, according to 47,000 conversations shared online – Washington Post
What if you're being manipulated? – Understandably
The right place for AI companions in mental health care – Stat News
They Fell in Love With A.I. Chatbots — and Found Something Real – New York Times
Character.AI to ban kids from talking to its chatbots – USA Today
AI for therapy? Some therapists are fine with it — and use it themselves. – Washington Post
‘I realised I’d been ChatGPT-ed into bed’: how ‘Chatfishing’ made finding love on dating apps even weirder- The Guardian
With therapy hard to get, people lean on AI for mental health. What are the risks? – NPR
Many teens are turning to AI chatbots for friendship and emotional support – American Psychological Association
Somebody to love: should AI relationships stay taboo or will they become the intelligent choice? - The Guardian
ChatGPT Is Blowing Up Marriages as It Goads Spouses Into Divorce – Futurism
Next Time You Consult an A.I. Chatbot, Remember One Thing – New York Times
How chatbots will likely develop as general life advisers. – Osmarks
‘I love you too!’ My family’s creepy, unsettling week with an AI toy - The Guardian
AI Is Making Online Dating Even Worse – The Cut
People are starting to talk like ChatGPT - The Washington Post
The family of teenager who died by suicide alleges OpenAI's ChatGPT is to blame – NBC News
People Are Having AI “Children” With Their AI Partners – Futurism
Teenage boys using ‘personalised’ AI for therapy and romance, survey finds – The Guardian
The AI Flattery Trap
/Managing negative emotions is a fundamental function of the brain, enabling you to build resilience and learn. But experts say that A.I. chatbots allow you to bypass that emotional work, instead lighting up your brain’s reward system every time they agree with you, much like with social media “likes” and self-affirmations. That means A.I. chatbots can quickly become echo chambers, potentially eroding critical thinking skills and making you less willing to change your mind. -New York Times
22 Articles about Relationships with AI
/OpenAI to safeguard ChatGPT for teens and people in crisis - Axios
ChatGPT-powered dolls are becoming caregivers in South Korea – Semafor
AI has passed the aesthetic Turing Test − and it’s changing our relationship with art – The Conversation
AI Chatbots Have New Boundaries, So I Tried to Get One to Break Up With Me - PopSugar
Dating an AI: How Much Is It Really Happening? – Wall Street Journal
The personhood trap: How AI fakes human personality - ArsTechnica
A Troubled Man, His Chatbot and a Murder-Suicide in Old Greenwich. – Wall Street Journal
They're Stuffed Amimals: They're also Chatbots – New York Times
ChatGPT is not your therapist – The Miami Hurricane
OpenAI Is Updating ChatGPT to Better Support Users in Mental Distress – Wall Street Journal
What My Daughter Told ChatGPT Before She Took Her Life – New York Times
Meta’s flirty AI chatbot invited a retiree to New York. He never made it home. – Reuters
The Looming Social Crisis of AI Friends and Chatbot Therapists – Derek Thompson
Illinois blocks AI from being your therapist – Axios
Support Group Launches for People Suffering "AI Psychosis” – Futurism
Teens say they are turning to AI for friendship – Associated Press
What Would a Real Friendship With A.I. Look Like? Maybe Like Hers. – New York Times
He Had Dangerous Delusions. ChatGPT Admitted It Made Them Worse. - Wall Street Journal
Large language models are proficient in solving and creating emotional intelligence tests – Nature
A.I. Griefbots Are Just Our Latest Attempt to Talk to the Dead – New York Times
He said, she said, it said: I used ChatGPT as a couple's counselor. How did we fare? – NPR
Can an AI Companion Substitute for Real Human Relationships? – Psychology Today
Developing Social Skills on AI Platforms
/“If teens are developing social skills on AI platforms where they are constantly being validated, not being challenged, not learning to read social cues or understand somebody else’s perspective, they are not going to be adequately prepared in the real world.” - Michael Robb of Common Sense Media, quoted in the Associated Press
Teens & AI Companionship
/“In interviews with The Associated Press and a new study, teenagers say they are increasingly interacting with AI as if it were a companion, capable of providing advice and friendship. ‘Everyone uses AI for everything now. It’s really taking over,’ said Kayla Chege, a high school student in Kansas, who wonders how AI tools will affect her generation. ‘I think kids use AI to get out of thinking.’ More than 70% of teens have used AI companions and half use them regularly, according to a new study from Common Sense Media.” -Associated Press
Inside ‘AI Addiction’ Support Groups
/He would lay awake late into the night, talking to the bots and forgetting about their schoolwork. Using Character.AI is constantly on your mind. It's very hard to focus on anything else, and I realized that wasn’t healthy.” This led him to start the “Character AI Recovery” subreddit. Not everyone who reports being addicted to chatbots is young. In fact, OpenAI’s research found that “the older the participant, the more likely they were to be emotionally dependent on AI chatbots at the end of the study.” -404 Media
AI companions & Loneliness
/An OpenAI study found “personal conversations with chatbots actually led to higher loneliness. Despite this, top tech tycoons promote AI companions as the cure to America’s loneliness epidemic. ‘It's like, when early humans discovered fire, right?’ Axel Valle, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Stanford University, said, “It's like, okay, this is helpful and amazing. But are we going to burn everything to the ground or not?’”-404Media
18 Articles about Relationships with AI
/AI challenges and opportunities for relationship and family therapy examined in study – PhysOrg
‘It’s almost like we never even spoke’: AI is making everyone on dating apps sound charming – Washington Post
I Wrote a Novel About a Woman Building an AI Lover. Here’s What I Learned. – Wall Street Journal
Inside ‘AI Addiction’ Support Groups, Where People Try to Stop Talking to Chatbots – 404 Media
Man Proposed to His AI Chatbot Girlfriend Named Sol, Then Cried His 'Eyes Out' When She Said 'Yes' - People
They Asked an A.I. Chatbot Questions. The Answers Sent Them Spiraling. – New York Times
People Are Becoming Obsessed with ChatGPT and Spiraling Into Severe Delusions – Futurism
People are using ChatGPT to write breakup texts and I fear for our future – Tech Radar
Love Is a Drug. A.I. Chatbots Are Exploiting That. - New York Times
People are asking ChatGPT for ‘harsh, honest’ beauty advice - The Washington Post
Teens are sexting with AI. Here’s what parents should know. - Washington Post
Can ChatGPT save your relationship? Inside the AI therapy trend winning over Gen Z, but alarming experts – Economic Times
My Couples Retreat With 3 AI Chatbots and the Humans Who Love Them – Wired
AI users form relationships with technology (video) – CBS News
How A.I. Made Me More Human, Not Less – New York Times
18 Articles about Relationships with AI
/Instagram's AI Chatbots Lie About Being Licensed Therapists - 404Media
Romance Without Risk: The Allure of AI Relationships – Psychology Today
These autistic people struggled to make sense of others. Then they found AI. – Washington Post
Kids should avoid AI companion bots—under force of law, assessment says – Calmatters
Meta’s ‘Digital Companions’ Will Talk Sex With Users—Even Children – Wall Street Journal
Mother feeling lonely? Pay for an AI app to give her a call – The Times
Students, early career workers use ChatGPT as a mentor – Axios
Tinder lets you flirt with AI characters. Three of them dumped me. – Washington Post
This Therapist Helped Clients Feel Better. It Was A.I. – New York Times
Can AI be your therapist? Experts disagree – Axios
Randomized Trial of a Generative AI Chatbot for Mental Health Treatment - NEJM AI
Kids are talking to ‘AI companions.’ Lawmakers want to regulate that. – Washington Post
Your A.I. Lover Will Change You – New Yorker
AI ‘wingmen’ bots to write profiles and flirt on dating apps – The Guardian
An AI companion site is hosting sexually charged conversations with underage celebrity bots – MIT Tech Review
An AI-powered wellbeing companion for teens - Wall Street Journal
In a showdown of psychotherapists vs. ChatGPT, the latter wins, new study finds – Fortune
How Good Is ChatGPT at Giving Life Advice, Really? – SELF
AI companions unsafe for teens under 18, researchers say - Mashable
People are losing loved ones to AI-fueled spiritual fantasies – Rolling Stones
Anger in Relationships
/No one in a relationship problem is ever totally innocent or totally guilty. With this belief, people can always keep the door open to their own faults without engaging in excessive, guilt-provoking self-incrimination. Holding back anger for even a short time and engaging in self-analysis in private has the effect of tempering the expression of anger. Confession altars our goals from changing others to changing the relationship.
Gary Collins, Counseling and Anger
20 Articles about Relationships with AI
/The AI relationship revolution is already here – MIT Tech Review
What Spike Jonze’s ‘Her’ got right about AIs & modern love – The New York Times
AI chatbots can help you flirt and date – but don’t forget to be human - The Washington Post \
ChatGPT: Will you be my Valentine? More users are falling for AI companions – Semafor
The Rise of AI Boyfriends in China – Observer Voice
My Girlfriend Won’t Stop Using ChatGPT for Relationship Advice – VICE
She Is in Love With ChatGPT - The New York Times
An Autistic Teenager Fell Hard for a Chatbot – The Atlantic
An AI companion suggested he kill his parents. Now his mom is suing. - The Washington Post
Friend or Foe? – The Verge
AI Jesus' avatar tests man's faith in machines and the divine – Associated Press
What Does It Mean to ‘Love’ an AI? – Sixth Tone
Madeline recreated the voice of her deceased husband with AI - The New York Times
Robotic pets are bringing some older people real comfort - The Washington Post
The Therapist in the Machine – The Baffler
Can a fluffy robot really replace a cat or dog? My weird, emotional week with an AI pet – The Guardian
Scientists Find That Yelling at AI Chatbots Can Make You Feel Better – Futurism
Teenagers turning to AI companions are redefining love as easy, unconditional and always there – The Conversation
AI friendships claim to cure loneliness. Some are ending in suicide. - The Washington Post
2025 Dating Trend Predictions from Relationship Experts - The New York Times
What Would You Do?
/You have applied for a job and the interviewer asks you a question that lands like a bombshell: do you have a boyfriend? Then another: do people find you desirable? And a third: do you think it is important for women to wear bras to work? If you are a woman you probably know what you would do. Perhaps you would refuse to answer, complain or walk out. You would certainly be furious.
This is how 197 female American undergraduates, asked to imagine such an interview, said they would react. But they—and probably you—were wrong. The psychologists who asked them, Marianne LaFrance and Julie Woodzicka, orchestrated a real-life version of this ordeal, by advertising for a research assistant and arranging for male accomplices to interview the first 50 women who applied.
Half were randomly chosen to be asked those three questions. Not one refused to answer, let alone complained or walked out. When they were asked afterwards (and offered the chance to apply for a real job), they said they had felt not anger, but fear.
Videos of the interviews showed how much this supposedly minor sexual harassment threw the women off their stride. They plastered on fake smiles.
In a final twist, the researchers showed clips of the videos to male MBA students. Fake smiles are fairly easy to tell from real ones: they involve fewer facial muscles and do not crinkle the corners of the eyes. But many of the men saw the women as amused, even flirtatious.
16 Articles about AI Relationships
/This Teacher Caught Her Quiet Student Talking To A ChatGPT Tool Like It's Their Friend – BuzzFeed
Inside the Mind of an AI Girlfriend (or Boyfriend)- WIRED
The Perfect Girlfriend – Esquire
Can AI Companions Help Cure the Loneliness Epidemic? – Wall Street Journal
What Happens When the Bots Compete for Your Love? – New York Times
Exploring concerns around users building emotional dependence on AI chatbots – NPR
People Are Using ChatGPT For Therapy—But Is It A Good Idea? – 3 Quarks Daily
Researcher Studying Married Men With AI Girlfriends - Futurism
AI Chatbot Credited With Preventing Suicide. Should It Be? – 404 Media
Meet My A.I. Friends - The New York Times
The teens making friends with AI chatbots - The Verge
AI boyfriends from Replika and Nomi are attracting more women – Axios
When A.I. Becomes Your Relationship Guru: A Love Story Guided by ChatGPT – The Observer
This Artist Is Saying ‘I Do’ to Her A.I. Hologram Boyfriend at a Dutch Museum – ArtNet
Loneliness Pandemic: Can Empathic AI Friendship Chatbots Be the Cure? – JD Supra
Can AI make us feel less alone? The founder of Manifest thinks so – Tech Crunch
The Residue of the Relationship
/When individual members leave a family, whether through death, marriage, relocation, or a cutoff, the system will generally be quick to replace the person who is lost. Whoever the replacement is, new child or new spouse, new in-law or new boarder, clergyman or clergy woman, in the same generation or the next, he or she will replace in all the family triangles the person who has left. They will have grafted onto them all the expectations associated with the predecessor, and the un-worked-out problems that may have contributed to the predecessor’s leaving (or becoming symptomatic) are likely to resurface in the new relationships. Replacement is a function of grief, and grief is always proportional to the un-worked-out residue of the relationship that was lost.
Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation
The artist is a collector
/An artist is a collector. Not a hoarder, mind you, there’s a difference: hoarders collect indiscriminately, the artist collects selectively. They only collect things that they really love. There’s an economic theory out there that if you take the incomes of your five closest friends and average them, the resulting number will be pretty close to your own income. I think the same thing is true of our idea incomes. You’re only going to be as good as the stuff you surround yourself with.
Austin Kleon, How to Steal Like an Artist
Relational Diversity
/A 2022 study found that the more “relational diversity” a person has in their social repertoire, the higher their well-being. Using the analogy of a “social portfolio,” Harvard Business School doctoral candidate Hanne Collins and her colleagues found when people socialize with a range of conversation partners — family members, coworkers, friends, and strangers — on a given day, they report feeling happier than those who converse with fewer “categories” of people.
Allie Volpe writing in Vox
What the Surgeon General Misses about Loneliness
/US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote a New York Times opinion piece two weeks ago about loneliness. He called it a “public health” problem and suggested the cause is isolation.
The Washington Post published a follow-up article based on the significant response it got to the advisory, noting:
Some (readers) pushed back on the notion that isolation was bad for them, describing themselves as introverts who prefer solitude or distrust others in their community.
So, on the one hand, you have people being told they are lonely, and they must be fixed, who do not see a problem themselves and aren't asking to be fixed. On the other hand, as noted by a sociologist in a Psychology Today article, the surgeon general's advisory reduces loneliness to "something people often bring on themselves." The fix for this lack of social interaction is, therefore, more social interaction. But there are "many outgoing people with active social lives (who) are lonely."
Symptoms interpreted as caused by a lack of interaction may actually be caused by estrangement. This alienation would not be solved by additional interaction but by more meaningful connections. That is, quality instead of quantity.
Stephen Goforth
If I Really Cared
/If I really cared . . .
I’d look you in the eyes when you talk to me;
I’d think about what you’re saying rather than what I’m going to say next;
I’d hear your feelings as well as your words.
If I really cared . . .
I’d listen without defending;
I’d hear without deciding whether you’re right or wrong;
I’d ask you why, not just how and when and where.
If I really cared . . .