I must be unlovable

The child who is not loved by his parents will always assume himself or herself to be unlovable rather than see the parents as deficient in their capacity to love. Or early adolescents who are not successful at dating or at sports will see themselves as seriously deficient human beings rather than the late or even average but perfectly adequate bloomers they usually are. It is only through a vast amount of experience and a length and successful maturation that we gain the capacity to see the world and our place in it realistically, and thus are enabled to realistically assess our responsibility for ourselves and the world.

M Scott Peck
The Road Less Traveled

Cruelty wears justice as a disguise

The “No one to blame but themselves” rule “implies that once someone breaks a rule, you can do whatever you want to them and you cannot be blamed. We need that one mortal sin which will let us revoke a person's status as a human worthy of dignity, respect, empathy or anything else.

I think the reason so many racists could pass an ‘Are you a racist?’ polygraph test is that they don't think minorities are inhuman due to their color, but rather their supposed criminality. The single hint of a single minor crime meant absolutely anything done in response is justified. They all think their daily cruelty is in response to some extreme provocation.

If cruelty wears justice as a disguise, then anyone who believes in justice is at risk.”

David Wong writing for Cracked

Someone else’s umbrella

Most of us want a dictator—albeit a benevolent one—so we can pass the buck, so we can say, "You made me do that. It’s not my fault." But we can’t spend our lives hanging out under someone else’s umbrella and then complain that we’re getting wet. 

Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger in her book The Choice

Why are conspiracy theories popular?

People who feel powerless or vulnerable are more likely to endorse and spread conspiracy theories. This is seen in online forums where people’s perceived level of threat is strongly linked to proposing conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories allow people to cope with threatening events by focusing blame on a set of conspirators. People find it difficult to accept that “big” events (e.g., the death of Princess Diana) can have an ordinary cause (driving while intoxicated). A conspiracy theory satisfies the need for a “big” event to have a big cause, such as a conspiracy involving MI5 to assassinate Princess Diana. For the same reason, people tend to propose conspiratorial explanations for events that are highly unlikely. Conspiracy theories act as a coping mechanism to help people handle uncertainty.

Stephan Lewandowsky & John Cook, The Conspiracy Theory Handbook

Guilt and Blame

No one in a relationship problem is ever totally innocent or totally guilty. With this belief, people can always keep the door open to their own faults without engaging in excessive, guilty-provoking self incrimination. Holding back anger for even a short time and engaging in self-analysis in private has the effect of tempering the expression of anger. Confession alters our goals from changing others to changing the relationship. 

Mark Cosgrove, Counseling for Anger

spreading the blame

Researchers at UCLA say blame is contagious. Even when we just observe a public display of blame we are more likely to do the same. Volunteers were asked to read about California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger blaming others for a problem while a different group read how the governor accepted personal responsibility for the crisis. Both groups then wrote about a failure in their own lives. Those who saw blame modeled for them were almost a third more likely to join the blame game and put the fault for their failure on someone else. However, the number of blamers dropped when volunteers first wrote down their core values.

The researchers theorized that a reminder of how to make wise choices made it less likely individuals feel the need to defend themselves by blaming others and more willing to take responsibility. A USC professor conducted similar experiences and came to the conclusion that publicly blaming others dramatically increases the likelihood that the practice will become viral.

When leaders, parents, or even friends make a practice of blaming others for their failures, they are encouraging people in their circle of influence to do the same. People become less willing to take risks, they become less innovative and less creative and less likely to learn from their mistakes. Blame creates a culture of fear.

Stephen Goforth

setting boundaries

Many people feel that they are “people persons,” able to attract others and connect with them. At the same time, however, people persons often feel overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated about the obligations and responsibilities that their bonded relationships demand.

Setting boundaries is the primary tool for strengthening your separateness and developing an accurate sense of responsibility. The essence of boundaries is determining where you end and someone else begins, realizing your own person apart from others, and knowing your limits.

A good way to understand this is to compare our lives to a house. Houses have certain maintenance needs, such as painting, terminate control and roof repairs. If, however, we’re spending all our time putting roofs on our neighbor’s houses while neglecting our own roof or we run the risk of a leaky roof or worse by the time we get back home.

Think of all the different caring acts you performed over the last 24 hours. How many did you do grudgingly because you were under the threat of someone’s criticism or abandonment? How many did you do under compulsion because you feel guilty if you don’t keep people happy? And how many were from a cheerful heart, from the overflow caused by knowing you are loved by God and people in your life?

John Townsend

Solving the problem is more important than blaming the cause

When you’re young, it’s easy to get into the blame game when things go wrong. Your alarm clock didn’t go off. Your computer crashed as you were typing the last sentence of that 10-page history paper. That professor didn’t like you. Then you grow up, and guess what? No one cares about your excuses, unavoidable as they might be. Be proactive. Get the job done. Worry about the rest later. 

Alex McDaniel

Creating your own misery

As long as you live in a society with other fallible humans you will be frustrated and hassled - not merely occasionally - all of your life. The best way to avoid feeling miserable about virtually anything that will ever occur in your lifetime is to admit that you create your own misery.

(Irrational beliefs that interfere with emotional health include..)

• I must do well... win the approval of others... or else I will rate as a rotten person.
• Others must treat me with considerately and kindly... Other people must not behave incompetently or stupidly.
• The world (and the people in it) must arrange the conditions under which I live so that I get what I want when I want it.

Albert Ellis