Insight into who will respond better in a crisis

A person’s capacity for healthy outcomes during difficulties is tied to their ability to define their life’s goals and values apart from the surrounding pressure to conform to a particular viewpoint.

In his book Generation to Generation, Edwin Friedman offers a way to test resistance to togetherness pressures, that is, possessing the power to say “I” when others are demanding “you” and “we.”

When presented with an issue that does not include “should” and “musts” some listeners will respond in a way that better defines themselves (such as “I agree” or “I disagree”). This person is likely to function well (emotionally) during a crisis. Other people may respond by attempting to define the speaker (comments like “How can you say that when…” or “After saying that I wonder if you are really one of us”). This indicates the person will likely resist progress toward healthy outcomes during crises and difficulties. People who more clearly define themselves are also more likely to take personal responsibility, whereas those who focus on the speaker are more likely to blame outside forces for their situations.  

One of the founding fathers of family therapy, Murray Bowen, suggested the capacity to define one’s own life’s goals and values apart from surrounding pressure, that is, to be a “relatively nonanxious presence in the midst of anxious systems” is an indication of taking “maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being.” It shows up in “the breadth of one’s repertoire of responses when confronted with crisis.” The concept shouldn’t be confused with narcissism. For Bowen, differentiation means the capacity to be an “I” while remaining connected.

Stephen Goforth

Selling Out

We "sell out" whenever we fail to take ownership of who we are. It's much easier to default to the expectations of friends/work/society/church rather than taking responsibility for our thinking and actions. Turning control over of what we have been entrusted with to someone (or something) else is an attempt to take the responsibility off our shoulders, so there’s someone else to blame.  

I must be unlovable

The child who is not loved by his parents will always assume himself or herself to be unlovable rather than see the parents as deficient in their capacity to love. Or early adolescents who are not successful at dating or at sports will see themselves as seriously deficient human beings rather than the late or even average but perfectly adequate bloomers they usually are. It is only through a vast amount of experience and a length and successful maturation that we gain the capacity to see the world and our place in it realistically, and thus are enabled to realistically assess our responsibility for ourselves and the world.

M Scott Peck
The Road Less Traveled

Cruelty wears justice as a disguise

The “No one to blame but themselves” rule “implies that once someone breaks a rule, you can do whatever you want to them and you cannot be blamed. We need that one mortal sin which will let us revoke a person's status as a human worthy of dignity, respect, empathy or anything else.

I think the reason so many racists could pass an ‘Are you a racist?’ polygraph test is that they don't think minorities are inhuman due to their color, but rather their supposed criminality. The single hint of a single minor crime meant absolutely anything done in response is justified. They all think their daily cruelty is in response to some extreme provocation.

If cruelty wears justice as a disguise, then anyone who believes in justice is at risk.”

David Wong writing for Cracked

Someone else’s umbrella

Most of us want a dictator—albeit a benevolent one—so we can pass the buck, so we can say, "You made me do that. It’s not my fault." But we can’t spend our lives hanging out under someone else’s umbrella and then complain that we’re getting wet. 

Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger in her book The Choice

The Self and beyond

We must help the individual to discover how commitments may be made without surrendering individuality. We must help him to understand and resist any impulse he may have to flee the responsibility of individual choice by mindless submission to a Cause or Movement.

In short, he must recognize the hazard of having no commitments beyond the self and the hazard of commitments that imperil the self.

John Gardner, Self-Renewal

Owning the Failure, too

We humans are the victims of an asymmetry in the perceptions of random events. We attribute our successes to our skills, and our failures to external events outside our control, namely to randomness. We feel responsible for the good stuff but not for the bad. This causes us to think that we are better than other at whatever we do for a living. 

The Black Swain, Nassim Taleb

The Problem of Mindfulness

It’s often pragmatically useful to step away from your own fraught ruminations and emotions. Seeing them as drifting leaves can help us gain a certain distance from the heat of our feelings, so as to discern patterns and identify triggers. But after a certain point, mindfulness doesn’t allow you to take responsibility for and analyse such feelings. It’s not much help in sifting through competing explanations for why you might be thinking or feeling a certain way. Nor can it clarify what these thoughts and feelings might reveal about your character. Mindfulness, grounded in anattā, can offer only the platitude: ‘I am not my feelings.’ Its conceptual toolbox doesn’t allow for more confronting statements, such as ‘I am feeling insecure,’ ‘These are my anxious feelings,’ or even ‘I might be a neurotic person.’ Without some ownership of one’s feelings and thoughts, it is difficult to take responsibility for them.

Sahanika Ratnayake writing in Aeon

selling out

We "sell out" whenever we fail to take ownership over who we are. It's much easier to default to the expectations of friends/work/society/church rather than taking responsibility for our thinking and actions. It's a "sell out" in the sense of turning control over to someone/something else when we fail to take ownership over what God has entrusted us with.

Stephen Goforth

Accountability

Holding people to the responsible course is not demeaning; it is affirming. Proactivity is part of human nature, and although the proactive muscles may be dormant, they are there. By respecting the proactive nature of other people, we provide them with at least one clear, undistorted reflection from the social mirror.

Stephen Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Taking the Abuse

When someone stays in an abusive situation, there must be a measure comfort in that identity for the victim. The abused, in effect, says to themselves, "I know what to do when playing this role." To become someone different means acknowledging there is a choice--and with that realization comes the uncomfortable recognition of responsibility.

A victim may tell themselves, “At least in the abusive situation I know the old pain and its ways."  Moving toward change means stepping into the unknown. Fear can freeze the victim into making no decision, defaulting to the status quo, keeping the situation the same as it has always been.

Perhaps the abuse fits some part of how they have chosen to define themselves. To choose not to be abused means redefining the identity. In the end, some people would prefer to keep the painful but familiar abuse rather than entering a new kind of pain--one that accompanies building a new identity.

Victims who choose to no longer be victims take an heroic step. It's an empowering choice--and only those who have made a similar decision can fully grasp its breath and courage.

Stephen Goforth