Why couples start to look alike

It’s folk wisdom that couples in long and happy relationships look more and more alike as the years go by. Peer closely at those old photographs, and you’ll see that the couples haven’t actually grown similar noses or chins. Instead, they have reflected, each other’s expressions so frequently and so accurately that hundreds of tiny muscle attachments to their skin have reshaped their faces to mirror their union. How this happens gives us a window on one of the most fascinating recent discoveries about the brain, and about how we come to “feel felt” by one another. 

 Daniel J. Siegel, Mindsight

Carl Jung's patients

I have treated many hundreds of patients. Among [those] in the second half of life-that is to say over 35—there has not been one whose problem in the last resort was not that of finding a religious outlook on life. –Carl Jung

Celebrating what is right

If we celebrate what is right in our lives, we gain the perspective to deal with some of the things that are wrong in our lives.

Take a Closer Look

This lovely furniture looks like cozy quarters.  But you won't findthe furniture taking up space in someone's living room. The trees in the background offer a hint that something's amiss. These items are tucked away in a Seattle park. They're made of solid cement. And while you can take a seat on the sofa, cozy wouldn't be the best word to describe the experience.

Today you will come across a situation that will look quite different--if you would only take a few small steps toward it. A closer look can change your whole perspective.. when you take the time to go deeper.

Stephen Goforth

Speech & Silence

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -Xenocrates

Choosing Your Plan

He who lets the world, or his own portion of it, choose his plan of life for him, has no need of any other faculty than the ape-like one of imitation. He who chooses his plan for himself, employs all his faculties. He must use observation to see, reasoning and judgment to foresee, activity to gather materials for decision, discrimination to decide, and when he has decided, firmness and self-control to hold to his deliberate decision.

John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

braver

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who overcomes his enemies. –Aristotle

The Doctor’s Prescription

A physician gave some rather whimsical advice to a patient, an aggressive businessman. Excitedly he told the doctor what an enormous amount of work he had to do. "If I write you a prescription will you follow it?" asked the doctor, realizing his state of mental tension. 

This, believe it or not, was the prescription: The patient was to take off two hours every working day and go for a long walk. He was to take off a half-day a week and spend that half-day in a cemetery. 

In astonishment, the patient demanded, "Why should I spend a half-day in a cemetery?"  

"Because," answered the doctor, "I want you to wander around and took at the gravestones of men who are there permanently. I want you to meditate upon the fact many of them are there because they thought even as you do, that the whole world rested on their shoulders. Meditate on the solemn fact that when you get there permanently, the world will go on just the same and, important as you are, others will be able to do the work you are now doing." 

Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Thinking

Two mind lessons

Two mind lessons stand out for me. One is that becoming open to our body’s states—the feelings in our heart, the sensations in our belly, the rhythm of our breathing—is a powerful source of knowledge. The second lesson is that relationships are woven into the fabric of our interior world. We come to know our own minds through our interactions with others. 

Daniel J. Siegel, Mindsight

I began to have an idea

I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know. -Joanna Field

The Secret to an Exceptional Life

Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliners suggests context and hard work are more critical than raw talent when it comes to achievement. 

Gladwell offers Christopher Langan as an example of how the range of opportunities presented to us can make a significant difference as to whether we gain traction in life. 

Einstein's IQ was 150. Langan’s IQ was a blistering 195. But Langan spent his days working on a horse farm in rural Missouri. Why didn’t he rise to exceptional achievement?  According to Gladwell, there was no one in Langan's life to encourage and help him develop his exceptional gifts. He grew up in a small town in Montana with an abusive stepfather in abject poverty. 

Gladwell writes, "He had to make his way alone and no one--not rock stars, not professional athletes, not software billionaires, and not even geniuses--ever makes it alone."

You didn’t rise alone. Is there someone to whom you should show gratitude? Someone who poured themselves into making you who you are? Is there someone who you could cultivate, radically altering the kind of person they become?

Stephen Goforth

How many cares

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be someTHING, but to be someONE. -Coco Chanel

Falling into old ditches

Have you ever had someone bait you when your family gets together?  “Come on. Join me, and let’s relive those old patterns you’ve tried to shed.”  You try not to let the person get under your skin, but somehow, you end up behaving in a way you believed you had left behind long ago. You can't stop yourself. You stumble backward into old dysfunctional patterns.

“Why does the other person say these things?” you wonder. Perhaps they want to feel superior to you. Maybe that unhealthy relationship is in their comfort zone.

You could try being passive—that might allow you to avoid conflict, put off the problem, and set it aside for the sake of peace. But the goal should be a healthy relationship rather than the absence of conflict. On the other hand, you could make yourself vulnerable, rising and falling with the other’s approval and rejection. This will mean spending a lot of your life bouncing between working hard to prove you are worthy of respect and resenting the need to prove it. 

Stephen Goforth

The Core of a Problem

When God wants to give you something of great value, how does he go about it? Does he wrap it up in a glamorous and sophisticated package and hand it to you on a silver platter? No, more than likely he buries it at the heart of a great big tough problem and watches with anticipation to see whether you have what it takes to break the problem apart and find at its center what might be called the pearl of great price.

Stephen Goforth

time to mourn

He that lacks time to mourn, lacks time to mend. -Shakespeare 

Attributes of Life and of Death

A newborn is soft and tender,

A crone, hard and stiff.

Plants and animals, in life, are supple and succulent;

In death, withered and dry.

So softness and tenderness are attributes of life,

And hardness and stiffness, attributes of death.

 Laozi, Tao Te Ching

Advice for graduating students while sheltering in place

Graduating college students are asking what they should be doing while sheltering in place.

Ask yourself: Am I keeping myself physically, psychologically, and spiritually healthy? If the answer is ‘no’ then stop looking for new ways to feel guilty and allow yourself breathe. Give time to self-care. Don’t pile more on top of yourself when you are already sliding backward. Secondly, are there members of your family in need of support? Make that your next priority. 

If those areas are in good shape, below are some steps I would consider right now for the best career launch when the cloud lifts, and you can move forward. Take them with a grain of salt; Avoid comparing yourself to others and ask what is reasonable for you to do given your time and situation. Think of this as a “choose your adventure” exercise. Set attainable goals for a sense of control in a moment of change.

1. Update your resume: No mistakes, and it must be easy to scan. Have you included your social media? You know every employer will check your social media and Google you, right? You should do that. You’ll find more specific resume recommendations here.

2. Speaking of social: Give yourself a social media makeover. Look for inappropriate or unfocused tweets, posts, and Instagram stories, then reconsider your privacy settings, clearly define your audience, etc. I’ll send you a list of a dozen ways to give yourself a fresh look if you email me.  Don’t forget LinkedIn (if your industry uses it). 

3. Reverse engineer your career: Look up jobs that interest you and see what’s missing from your resume or needs shoring up. What can you do now, or when things open up again? Make a list. Perhaps get up to speed on a professional program like Excel, InDesign, or Premiere Pro.

4. Gather all your supporting materials now, so you aren’t scrambling when a prospective employee asks for various kinds of writing samples. Do you have recommendation letters, head shots, thank you notes, etc.?  (You don’t send thank you notes? It’s an easy way to set yourself apart. Plus, it’s a nice thing to do).

5. Work on your elevator pitch—that is, create a compelling speech about your entire professional life that lasts no more than 15 seconds. Pick up some ideas about this personal branding exercise here. Try your pitch on others for feedback. 

6. Create a list of job sites you will visit once a week. Start with Indeed and look for lists (often in social media) produced by groups dedicated to your industry. FYI: Your first job or two is not a lifelong commitment. Your path is likely to be circuitous. Aim at moving in the right general direction rather getting there in one big leap.

7. Create Google alerts to bring you articles from Google News related to your industry by using keywords. Stay on top of the trends and barriers it faces.  Pro tip: Set a Google alert on your own name so you’ll know when someone has posted something about you online.

8. Try some mock interviews with whoever you are staying with—they’ve probably had a few interviews themselves, or else they can grab some typical questions off the internet to throw at you. Better yet Zoom it because your next job interview is likely to be a video conference.

9. Are there contests offered right now by professional organizations in your field for which you could submit entries?

10. Be ready to answer in a job interview, “What new skills did you acquire during self-quarantine?” Here are some great options: Coursera Makes Courses & Certificates Free During Coronavirus Quarantine

11. Develop more life skills. If you haven’t already done so, put effort into learning to cook, doing your own laundry, etc. Try Googling, “What college students should be able to do on their own.”

12. Educate yourself on your student loans. When are you supposed to start paying it off? Do You have deferral options? 

13. Cut costs and budget. Where can you stop spending? If you don’t have a budget, make one—even if it is just a projected one. Know where your money is going. How much money can you spend on job hunting?

14. Work on a political campaign. There’s an election in November, and there is probably an issue(s) about which you care deeply. See if you can get hired using your college-trained skills or volunteer. You’ll feel like you are making a difference while adding a line to your resume. 

15. Read a few of the dozens of articles about job hunting on my site Goforth Job Tips. Mine them for tips that apply to this unique situation. Start with the career advice articles and move on to those about resumes and interviews.  Regularly search for recent articles on the subject.

16. You’ll find a list of hundreds of “tech tools” here. Learn a few digital tricks to set yourself apart. Play around. See what’s out there that can make your life easier. A place to start: Pick a platform (like Wix) to put up a website that will house projects you’ve completed showing what you can do.

17. While you are building a website, buy your own domain name. Mine is www.StephenGoforth.com. It’s easy to do at places like GoDaddy.

18. Pick up some books (online or physical) and listen to some podcasts that either distract you for a few moments and fire your imagination or else educate you about your chosen field. Pro tip: connect with someone who does some hiring in your industry and ask for reading/listening recommendations. 

19.  Contact professionals for advice on what you should be doing. Don’t ask for a job—ask them to have a cup of coffee with you (by video conference, of course) and then ask questions and listen. Ask your professors who they would recommend you seek out—then ask the same question each time you finish having coffee with a pro.  

Finally, don’t try to take on everything at once. Focus on what you can do today; just that one step in front of you.

Doubt is our product

Doubt is our product since it is the best means of competing with the ‘body of fact’ that exists in the mind of the general public. It is also the means of establishing a controversy. -from a secret Tobacco Industry memo

culture vs strategy

Culture eats strategy for breakfast. -Peter Drucker

goal plan wish

A goal without a plan is just a wish.  -Antoine de Saint-Exupery