Words that have the Power to Change Minds

Researchers have discovered that certain words or phrases have the power to change the course of a conversation. Here are some dos and don’ts they discovered:

• List options rather than recommending “best-interest” solutions.

• Use “willing” —as in “Would you be willing to…” (and “I know it’s not your first choice but would you…”

• Don’t use “just” (as in “Could I just” or “I just wanted to”) because it is a ‘permission’ word, an apology implying interrupting and people do not respond as well when a warm-up to a request is offered first.

• Use “speak” instead of “talk” (such as “I’m here to talk.). “Talk” is a reminder of the negative cultural idioms associated with the term (such as “talk is cheap”).

• Use “sort” (as in “Let’s sort it out”) instead of “help.” “Sort” seems more direct and active.  

• Ask “Can I speak to you about this?” rather than “Can we talk?”

• Avoid “How are you?” when it’s not your intention to discuss the topic. Better to get to the point.

• Avoid “any” (as in “Anything else I can do for you?” because the question is too broad) and instead use “some” (as in “Is there something else I can do for you today?”).

• Avoid “yes, but” and once you do hear the phrase repeated three or more times, pack it in. The conversation is going nowhere. Try “What’s needed here?” or “What do you need?”

• Offer a bright “hello.”

Based on research from: 

Talk: The science of conversation, Elizabeth Stokoe  

Some vs Any, John Heritage and Jeffrey Robinson

Workstorming, Rob Kendall

Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss

Let their words fall to the ground

If I start insulting you in another language you feel nothing. The words don't mean anything to you because it’s you who has to put the meaning into it. I know what it means but it doesn’t matter. Take their words, take away the value of their words and drop them to the floor. If you take that away they fall to the ground. They never get to touch you. They are nothing. 

Salma Hayek

Tiny tweaks in word choice make a difference

In 1973, America watched as then President Richard Nixon vehemently declared on national television, “I am not a crook” in regards to the Watergate scandal.

Not many people believed him.

In fact, as soon as he uttered the word “crook,” most people immediately envisioned a crook.

The major mistake Nixon made was in his framing. By saying the word “crook,” he evoked an image, experience, or knowledge associated with crook in the minds of everyone watching. 

George Lakoff, a professor in cognitive science and linguistics at University of California, Berkeley, makes the point in his book Don’t Think of an Elephant! that when trying to get your point across, refrain from using the other side’s language. Doing so will activate and strengthen their frames and undermine your own views. Instead, successfully arguing a point requires you to establish your own frames and use language that evokes images and ideas that fit the worldview you want.

Think about it this way: Something that has a “95% effective rate” will sell better than something with a “5% failure rate.” It’s all in how you frame it.

Vivian Giange, writing in Fast Company    

Profanity

Someone once said, “Profanity is a lazy man’s way of trying to be emphatic.” I choose not to swear, not only for religious reasons, but also because it shows a lack of creativity on the speaker's part. Profanity is similar to using "good" to describe everything. The game was good. The example was good. That's good writing. Good video. What does that mean? It's inexact and lazy. Like the overuse of the word "good," profanity doesn't say much of anything. It's the spewing of emotions. While there is value in expression, dumping raw emotion on others may just fool us into thinking we are serving up honesty when actually we are hiding our feelings from ourselves.

Be more exact or wait until you know what you want to say. At least don't use bland and overworked terms. Profanity is a way to tell others, "See? I really, really mean what I'm saying. I'm stomping my little foot and throwing a little fit verbally. What I'm saying is important because I am using these magical naughty words."

Stephen Goforth